( theme song playing )
Watch it! Take cover!
Where are you going?
Kraut patrol on the road.
It's just what we don't need. How far?
Half a mile, no more.
We could have a go at him, sir.
We're here to blow up a munitions train,
not a patrol. Let's go.
Carter, come on, let's go.
Sir, we haven't finished the job.
A few more minutes, Colonel.
We're set to detonate. We move now.
Sir, that bloody train
only comes through here once a week.
We'll get it next time around. Come on!
( dogs barking )
CARTER: For Pete's sake, what happened?
KINCHLOE: Krauts weren't there when we left.
HOGAN: All of a sudden we've got wall-to-wall Germans.
Very interesting problem.
Yeah.
How do we escape into a P.O.W. camp?
They must have increased patrols at midnight
when they changed the guards.
What's our move now, Colonel?
It's a cinch we can't stay here.
I say we check into a hotel for the night.
Without a reservation?
And no luggage?
They'd ask for money in advance.
All right.
Any volunteers for a cutting job?
HOGAN: Newkirk, Carter?
Us two?
"We two," Carter, "We two."
Grammar, grammar.
Hit that section of fence
to the right of the guard tower.
It's a blind spot.
The light doesn't angle down far enough.
Good luck.
( alarm ringing )
( dogs barking )
Guard!
Don't shoot!
Guards, guards, guards!
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Hey, don't you recognize us?
We're regular customers.
Don't shoot!
Good evening, gentlemen.
Oh, good evening, Commandant.
Hi.
Put your hands up
on top of your head like this!
Just put your hands up.
If they make one wrong move,
shoot them.
Now, what exactly were you fools trying to do, huh?
I was trying to get out of camp.
I should think that's fairly obvious, sir.
Me, I was trying to get in.
Trying to get out of camp, sir,
into the town, you see.
Schultz, into the cooler they go.
Throw away the keys.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Don't we get a trial or anything?
This is Germany.
I do admire your sense of humor.
Schultz,
take them away.
Jawohl.
Come on. Let's go.
( Schultz mumbling )
They weren't really trying to escape.
Yeah, yeah.
They were going into town
for a very good reason.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. To buy something.
They would have come right back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
A birthday gift for you.
For me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't believe it.
Don't let the war make you cynical, sir.
I was not aware that it's my birthday.
Isn't it about time you found out?
I wouldn't believe one word you said, Hogan.
Not even if I said
you were the greatest military mind
in the Third Reich?
That I'd have to think over.
Look, Commandant,
Newkirk and Carter have already spent a day in the cooler.
Let 'em out.
Request denied,
and when General Burkhalter makes
his inspection tour next week,
those two men in the cooler will prove
that discipline is enforced here at Stalag 13.
That's all, Hogan.
That's why the patrols are being beefed up.
Showing off for Burkhalter, are they?
I said that's all.
Reconsider, Commandant.
Those two men will be released over my dead body.
It's a deal.
Dis... missed.
Here's your answer from London, Colonel.
"Turn the job over to the underground."
They're kidding.
"Hold off your unit and sabotage operation
"on munitions train.
Wait for orders near future."
You think they're trying to tell you something?
"Yeah, don't call us.
We'll call you,"
and I still say it was the right decision.
If we had stayed and knocked off that kraut patrol,
there might have been a Gestapo investigation.
Could have endangered our whole operation.
The pity is, it's only a few minutes' work
to do on those detonators.
It's the underground's now.
Let them handle it.
That munitions train is ours.
We started the job, we'll finish it.
KINCH: But how? We can't get out.
Klink's turned this place into Alcatraz.
And he's acting like the warden.
We could figure some way to distract Klink,
keep him busy.
Burkhalter picked a swell time
for an inspection tour.
Remember the last visit?
He even brought his sister.
The lady dragon.
Yeah, and Klink had to put on his track shoes
to keep out of the way.
Now hold it, hold it.
Why wouldn't it work again?
What work again?
Gertrude Linkmaier, Burkhalter's sister.
If she came with him, it would distract Klink.
He'd let down the guards and ease off.
It's one way to get out of camp.
Newkirk could forge Klink's handwriting.
He's done it before.
Send Madam Linkmaier a little invitation for openers
on Klink's personal stationery.
That's crazy.
Yeah, crazy enough to work.
Just one little detail, Colonel.
What do we tell London?
Stall 'em.
Tell 'em we've come up with a new plan.
Request permission to proceed
and impossible to communicate with the Underground.
Something like that.
You're turning me into a pretty good liar.
Kinch, what kind of officer would I be
if you couldn't learn from me?
SCHULTZ: Mm! Mm!
Mm, that's good! Mm!
Where do you get the chocolate?
I smuggle it in.
That's banned.
I will have to report you.
Oh, yeah?
Then you'd just better report yourself, too, big fella,
'cause eating it makes you an accomplice.
No.
I thought it only makes you fat.
Mm.
"And so my dear Gertrude--
"if I may call you by your first name--
"it will give me great pleasure to have you visit
"our little Stalag again with your brother the general.
"Perhaps we could even be alone so I could tell you
"some of the things I could not say to you
on your last trip."
Danke.
Now I'm going to see the Englander.
New Newkirk, got any candy?!
The bear's headed your way!
Shh! Don't be so noisy!
Anything you guys need?
Oh, yes, sir. When LeBeau brings the dinner tonight...
Uh-huh.
No bearnaise sauce. I'm not up to it.
Yeah.
Ah, General Burkhalter,
it is indeed a great pleasure to see you again.
You remember my sister, of course.
Of course.
A great pleasure.
Guten Tag, Klink.
And Gertrude just announced that she was coming along,
and here I am.
I couldn't be happier.
Frau Linkmaier, you are as welcome here
as the general himself.
We will give you the very best we have here at Stalag 13.
Nice way to treat a lady.
Elbert.
On the way here,
my dear sister kept talking about you.
About me?
What is there to say?
The conversation didn't last too long.
I'm flattered.
What is this magic you have, Klink?
You seem to grow on people.
Elbert, you make him sound like some kind of a fungus.
( chuckles )
Fungus.
Schultz...
Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.
More brandy for Frau Linkmaier and the general, please.
Yes, sir, Kommandant.
Just a little.
Enough. Danke.
( chuckles )
Fungus.
Not for me.
I'm a bit tired.
Anyway, I imagine you two young people
would like to be alone.
Young people?
I don't see any young people.
Good night, Elbert.
Good night, Gertrude.
And as the French say, bonne chance.
That means "good luck."
He is terrible.
Good night, Herr General.
You stay here no matter what happens.
Sergeant, come in here and help me with my boots.
What are you standing around?
You heard the general.
Good night, General Burkhalter.
Good night.
Well, here we are.
Indeed, we are.
We are here.
There's no question about that.
I remember that about you.
A brilliant conversationalist.
Danke.
Now that we are alone,
what is it you wanted to say to me, Wilhelm?
Wilhelm-- my first name?
If it's Gertrude, then it should be Wilhelm.
Of course,
you cannot call me Gertrude because that is your name,
if you know what I mean.
( nervous laughter )
What is it you want to say to me, Wilhelm?
Well, now, let me see.
Uh, I've offered you more brandy.
Um, we have straightened out the name business...
You remind me of my first husband Otto.
He was shy, too.
Sit down.
Well, you see, a soldier like I is more at home
in the rough company of men on the battlefield.
Good, I'll handle this.
I'm sure you will.
Handle what?
I realize that I am not the most beautiful,
the most fascinating woman in the world...
That's true.
You don't need to agree
with me so quickly, Wilhelm.
No offense, Frau...
Gertrude.
That's right-- Gertrude.
I know I'm going to make a certain man very happy.
Make a good wife to him.
Just what he needs.
Oh, there is no question about it in my mind.
Congratulations. Danke.
Who's the lucky man?
Do I know him?
Oh, you know him very well.
Don't be coy.
Oh, I'm not trying to be coy.
I...
Me.
More brandy please, Wilhelm.
They've been in the cooler long enough.
Make a gesture, Commandant.
In honor of General Berkhalter's visit, release them.
I'd like to be released myself.
You haven't been paying attention.
Frankly, Hogan, I've got a big problem.
Yeah, I know, I saw her arrive.
Frau Linkmaier likes me,
and what's worse, she's thinking about marriage.
What woman isn't constantly?
She's a widow.
I remind her of her first husband Otto.
He's been missing in action for three years.
Could be on the lam.
Marriage.
I can't even think about it.
What am I going to do?
May I offer some advice, Commandant?
That's very decent of you, Hogan.
Tell me what to do.
First you tell me something.
Anything you want, you name it.
When are Newkirk and Carter getting out of the cooler?
I will not bargain with a prisoner of war.
Why not?
I'm willing to bargain with a prisoner of love.
Don't say anything like that.
All right, Hogan.
If you help me get rid of Frau Linkmaier,
I will release your men for you.
It's a deal.
First thing you've got to do is get busy.
What?
Nothing chills a woman faster than a busy man.
They can't stand being neglected for anything.
Oh, I see.
I'm too involved in my work to find time for her.
Exactly.
Very good.
Of course, it may involve a sacrifice
on your part, Commandant.
Sacrifice? In what way?
You may actually have to go to work.
I want this section from here to the gate
inspected and strengthened if necessary.
What's he doing?
Posting more men outside the wire.
Making things a little tighter.
Yeah, I got him busy all right-- the wrong way.
Herr Kommandant, please excuse me,
but it is after 4:00, and you have an invitation
for tea in the general's quarters with Frau Linkmaier.
Tell her I can't be there.
I am too busy.
Express my regrets.
Oh, excuse me, Herr Kommandant, is it wise?
After all, she is the general's sister
and she is a woman.
Thank you.
I was puzzled.
Herr Kommandant, there's even a rumor
that there will be wedding bells
for you and the gnadige Frau.
That is only a rumor.
But if it should happen, Schultz, I promise you
you will be the first one to hear those wedding bells.
Oh, danke, Herr Kommandant.
Even on the Russian front.
Very good dinner, Sergeant.
Thank you, General.
KLINK: Good evening.
Good evening, Wilhelm.
Herr Kommandant, your coat?
No, Schultz, I'm afraid I must go right out again.
A little surprise visit to our patrols.
It's a surprise to me, too.
You have not had your dinner.
Oh, I apologize.
Please forgive me.
I can stay just long enough to have some coffee.
Schultz.
I never realized you were so dedicated
to your job, Klink.
I'm afraid that's why I don't have much of a social life.
In a way, I'm married to the war.
I think I understand, Klink.
You know, Frau Linkmaier, I have neglected you shamefully,
but that's the way I am.
Ja, I see that,
and I admire you for it.
Admire me?
Ja, I like a man who puts his job first.
Women must learn to take second place.
You have gone up in my estimation, Wilhelm.
Schultz, take this away.
Get me a schnapps, make it a double.
Admires you?
How could anybody do that?
You don't know that woman.
What about Carter and Newkirk?
They stay in the cooler.
Your marvelous advice got me where I am.
Now I'll give you some.
You'd better straighten up
and toe the line around here or else.
Look, Commandant...
When addressing your commanding officer,
you should be in uniform.
Okay, okay.
That's better.
What is it, Colonel?
What's our first move?
To get a new plan.
What? You're kidding.
I told you, we started this job,
we're going to finish it.
Or it finishes us.
Every kraut and his brother's out there patrolling.
Klink didn't pull any of the guard.
And the biggest kraut of them all,
Monsieur Klink, is roaming around, too.
We're going to set those detonators Wednesday or else.
Or else what?
Get killed trying?
There are times I wish you guys wouldn't read my mind.
Tell her the truth?
I know it's a strange idea to you, Commandant,
but she might go for it.
Tell her that she's too old for me,
that I don't find her attractive,
that she's not my type?
She isn't anybody's type,
but you don't have to mention that to her.
No, that's impossible.
Then marry her.
You, too, could be missing in action
like her first husband.
You might even be able to meet him
wherever he's hiding and form a club.
Tell her the truth, huh?
Maybe the very frankness of it could discourage her.
Look at it this way, what do you got to lose but her?
You're right, Hogan.
I will see her today.
Commandant, for a man of the world,
you surprise me.
Don't you know anything about women?
What does that got to do with Frau Linkmaier?
With women, finesse is everything.
Take her out, say tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night, Wednesday?
Why not? Nice moonlight drive.
Then you park.
There's a great spot about halfway to Hemleberg.
Right near the railroad crossing, can't miss it.
How do you know about that?
Uh... uh... one of the guards told me about it.
Takes all his frauleins there.
I see.
I'll try it.
It seems to make sense.
Good, good.
Why?
Why did I have to be born so attractive?
That's another whole question.
Right now, let's stick to the truth.
KLINK: Schultz, come in here.
Yes, Herr Kommandant, I'm coming.
( indistinct talking )
Danke, Shultz.
( car engine starts )
Shultz, we won't need you for a while.
Uh, take a walk in the woods.
Alone?
I'm sorry we didn't bring a girlfriend for you.
( chuckles )
Get out.
Uh, there's a nice moon out tonight, Herr Kommandant.
Thank you, Shultz.
Get out.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( crickets chirping )
( bird cawing )
( banging )
Well, here we are.
Ja, alone again, Wilhelm.
It is very romantic. I approve.
I'm glad you approve.
And, uh, I approve of your approval.
What is it, Wilhelm?
Gertrude... uh, Frau Linkmaier...
uh, I realize that you are very
strongly attracted to me.
It's, uh, one of those things.
You can't help yourself.
The moth and the flame.
( bird cawing )
I admire you very much.
You're strong and forceful.
Ja.
And, uh, forceful and strong.
Danke, Wilhelm.
But for a wife,
I would like somebody weak and stupid.
What?
Someone I can talk to.
Schultz!
Did you call, sir?
Oh, uh, I mean, did you, Frau?
Back to the camp at once.
Jawol, Herr Kommandannt.
Oh, I mean, Frau.
At once, sir.
( engine starts )
But, Frau Linkmaier, please.
Gertrude...
Mrs. Linkmaier.
( engine rumbling )
Hogan!
Yes, sir?
What are you doing out of the barracks?
Well, I was anxious
about your date with the iron maiden.
I told her the truth.
I don't believe it.
Every word of it.
Come on, Commandant.
May lightening strike me if I didn't.
( explosion )
( rumbling )
Okay, I'm convinced.
She blames me for this.
She is going to make my life miserable.
But, sir...
Klink, I am going to get you
a reservation on the first troop train heading east.
But, General...
Or I'll send you by plane, or by ship.
If necessary, I'll carry you
to the Russian front.
Piggy-back!
General, you're being unfair to the commandant.
He is?
Why unfair, Hogan?
Oh, he was only trying to save you and your sister
from a lot of embarrassment.
I was?
He knows he's not good enough for the Burkhalters.
I'm not?
Just look at him, what do you see?
Tall, skinny,
insipid egotistical type.
A moth-eaten German eagle wearing a monocle.
Hogan...
How'd you like to introduce that
to the Fuhrer and your friends
as your brother-in-law?
You may have a point, Hogan.
He was only trying to save you
and your sister from a terrible embarrassment.
Perhaps I will discuss this with Gertrude.
I'll give her a little vacation,
let her think about it.
Command decision.
As for you...
Oh, well, we have enough trouble
on the Russian front.
Hogan, I appreciate what you did,
but those terrible things you said...
I can get the general back.
Never mind, Hogan.
You saved me from Frau Linkmaier.
How can I ever thank you?
Forget it.
What good are enemies
if you can't depend on them?